How to Be a Presence-Centered Parent: Why Proximity to God and Your Child Outshines Every Pressure to Perform

Imagine you're given a small plot of land—a garden with rich soil, invisible seeds already planted, and a single promise: 

"If you tend this with care, something beautiful will grow."

That’s parenting.

Some of us, unsure where to start, step back and hope nature takes its course. Others pour every ounce of energy into controlling every variable, watering, trimming, maybe even micromanaging, desperate for fruit. But the most fruitful gardens don’t come from passivity or pressure. They come from proximity.

Presence-centered parenting is about showing up, again and again, with your child and with your Creator.

It’s not a call to be a perfect parent. It’s a call to be a present one.

The Assignment We’ve Been Given

Before we talk strategies, let’s clear the noise and remember what God actually asked of us.

In ancient Israel, there were 613 laws. But one rose above the rest, the Shema, which Jesus later called the greatest commandment:

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might...You shall teach these commands diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” Deuteronomy 6:4–7

God’s original discipleship plan was the family. Not the temple. Not the priesthood. Mom and Dad. Sons and Daughters. Brothers and Sisters, living in proximity, maturing in love.

If I could sum up gospel-centered parenting in one sentence, it would be this:

Our calling is to help cultivate the garden of our child’s soul, that they might love God with everything, and spend their lives carrying that love to the ends of the earth!

Three Parenting Postures That Show Up in Every Home

1. Passive Parenting:

“I withdraw from engaging my child’s heart, avoiding the hard, holy work of formation.”

A passive parent might be:

Too preoccupied to be present (Aloof)

Too fearful to lay foundations (Avoidant)

Too eager to be liked to do what’s right (Approval-Seeking)

This kind of parenting misses the moments that matter: landmarks, struggles, and everyday discipleship opportunities. It waits for your child to come to you instead of courageously and continuously stepping into their world.

In Scripture, Eli stands as a heartbreaking warning. Though he was a priest and mentor to the prophet Samuel, he failed to engage his own sons. He confronted them with words but took no action, and the consequences were devastating (See 1 Samuel 2).

If you’ve drifted into passivity, take heart. God’s grace is wide open for you right now. Start small:

• Initiate one heart-level conversation this week—even if it’s awkward.

• Apologize for where you’ve been absent. Your humility will speak louder than your history.

• Ask God for courage to re-engage, especially where it’s been hardest.

2. Performance-Based Parenting:

“I try to shape my child to succeed on my terms, choosing control over connection and image over identity.”

Performance-based parents tend to use one of three tactics:

Fear / Threat: “If you don’t ________, I will…” (“If you don’t stop that, I’ll take your phone.”)

Fear says: I will take something you love to force something I’d like.

Reward / Bribery: “If you __________, I will…” (“If you behave, I’ll buy you ice cream.”)

Bribery offers: I will give you something you love so you’ll do something I’d like.

Guilt / Shame: “How could you…? Why aren’t you more like…?”

Guilt shouts: I will make you feel what I don’t love so you’ll do what I’d like.

These methods often yield quick behavior changes, but at a cost. Kids raised this way end up in one of three places:

Legalism (striving to earn love)

Rebellion (rejecting what feels like control)

Resignation (giving up entirely)

Here are a few warning signs you’re drifting into performance-based patterns:

• You tie your approval to your child’s achievements

• You obsess over how others perceive your family (image over identity)

• You micromanage and control

• You talk more about behavior than about belovedness

• You take their disobedience personally

The Pharisees were postured as spiritual parents for the people of Israel. But Jesus rebuked their approach, saying:

“They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to help.” Matthew 23:4

Performance-based parenting pressures our kids to perform for our love instead of resting in it. If you’ve slipped into this pattern, take a breath. Then take a step, asking God for the grace to:

• Celebrate effort and heart, not just results

• Repent where fear or guilt has shaped your discipline

• Tell your kids regularly: “You don’t have to perform for my love. It’s already yours.”

3. Presence-Centered Parenting:

“I choose consistent intimacy with my Father and courageous proximity with my child.”

This is the way of Jesus.

“The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us…” John 1:14

Jesus didn’t lead from a distance. He entered our mess. He stayed close.

Presence-centered parenting is marked by proximity to your child and Proximity to the Father!

Proximity to your child: You stay near in every season, learning, adapting, leaning in.

Proximity to the Father: You live from intimacy with God, parenting from overflow, not exhaustion.

From that place, the culture of our home can start to be shaped by four defining postures:

Belovedness: Love is our foundation.

We shape EVERYTHING around who God says we are!

Kindness: Compassion is our communication.

We echo the Father’s tone and tenderness to each other.

Discipline: Formation is our mission.

We cultivate hearts, not merely manage habits. 

Opportunity: The gospel is our invitation.

We see every moment as an opportunity to receive and release God’s love. 

Best of all? We don’t do this by trying harder. We simply yield to an awareness of our Father’s adoration and presence in our lives! 

Want a place to start? Try one of these this week:

• Ask God what He sees in your child, and say it to them out loud.

• Ask your child a heart-level question like, “What’s something you’re nervous or excited about this week?”

• Enter their world, choosing to do something that brings them delight.

• Prioritize time with your Father, because we can’t release what we haven’t received.

We are being invited…

Back to the Father. 

Back to our children. 

Back to the garden He’s entrusted us to tend.

We don’t need to know everything. We just need to keep showing up.

Our kids don’t need perfect parents. They need present ones, anchored in the love of the perfect Father.

I’m pulling for you, friend. And I’m honored to run alongside you!

Chuck